By Amy Harris
“Mom, will they come for you one day?” (14-year-old)
“Why don’t they want us here? What did we do to them?” (10-year-old)
“Mom, what is ICE? Why is everyone afraid?” (10-year-old)
These are just some of the difficult questions many new Mainer children are asking their caregivers as local U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) activity and the threat of possible ICE activity have created a state of fear for immigrant children and families across the state.
Besides worrying about their safety and future, many new Mainer parents and caregivers worry about how to help their families feel safe. All the parents interviewed for this story declined to give their real names because they didn’t want to draw attention to themselves or their children. They fear that telling their stories could put their families in danger. Fawzi S., from Somalia, has four children, all born in the U.S. She admitted that “sometimes at night I cry alone. I don’t want my children to live in fear like me.”
While many caregivers want to protect children from scary news headlines or events around them, the reality, Emily Loder, Youth Program Director at the Westbrook Intercultural Community Center (ICC), said children have “their antennas up and they’re listening. They’re very smart and they 100 percent know what’s going on.”
So rather than shying away from the truth, Loder and her staff are “very blunt” with the fifth- through eighth-grade children at the center’s afterschool and summer programs, when they ask questions about ICE and deportations. “We try to make sure that they know the information they need to. We educate the kids as much as possible so that if something did happen to their parents, they would be prepared,” she said.
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Because uncertainty and fear can be overwhelming, many immigrant legal and child advocacy groups agree that giving children practical information can help reassure them. Local organizations such as Immigrant Legal Advocacy Project (ILAP), Maine Immigrant and Refugee Services (MEIRS), and the Intercultural Community Center in Westbrook all have handouts, resources, and instructions to help caregivers know their immigration rights and what to do if ICE approaches them or their children. Angelica from the Democratic Republic of the Congo, with children ages 10, 7, and 3, said parents should look for information such as those listed above: “Not rumors, because fear often comes from things we don’t understand.”
If they are worried about how to talk with their children, some parents practice what to say ahead of time. Agencies suggest making something called a Family Preparedness Plan. Then caregivers should discuss the plan with the children, who often worry about what will happen if a caregiver is taken. Children will be reassured that there is a plan for who will pick them up or watch them if their caregiver can’t.
It also can be helpful to prepare children for a possible ICE visit to their home. Tell school-age children that they do not have to answer ICE’s questions and that they should not open the door to their living space without first asking ICE to slip their signed judicial warrant under the door for an adult to see. A judicial warrant is signed by a judge and is not the same as an administrative warrant.
Biganza, from East Africa, who has a 7-year-old and a 9-year-old (one of whom is a U.S. citizen), tells his children not to open doors to strangers and not to go with someone they don’t know. Another suggestion is to give school-age children red cards (printable for free and available in 39 languages from the Immigrant Legal Resource Center) and tell them to slide the card under the door, show it through a window, or give it to any stranger who approaches them.
Safety is most often children’s biggest priority. Caregivers should anticipate that they may report feeling scared. It is helpful to validate that what is happening is scary, and it is normal to feel afraid when things are unsafe.
For reassurance, the parents interviewed for this article remind their children that there are people here in Maine who are fighting to keep their family safe and that “as long as we are together, we are home.” Remind children that they have red cards, Family Preparedness Plans, a community that supports them, and that right now, in this moment, they are safe.
Limiting the amount of media or news headlines about ICE raids, immigration policy changes, and deportations can help the whole household feel less worry or stress. Try not to let children consume media without adult supervision, since it can be hard for kids to decide what is fact and what is fake news.
Some ways to limit media exposure are to turn off all notifications, add tech-free periods to the day, and not bring phones to the dinner table or watch screens while eating together. Limiting youth’s access to social media to no more than 15 minutes per day (depending on the child’s age) is another way to cut back children’s exposure to scary or upsetting headlines.
Being selective about how and what children hear about ICE, deportations, and immigration does not mean shielding younger people from all news or media. Prohibiting all media could result in youth only hearing bits and pieces of news. Then they might jump to frightening and incorrect conclusions.
Instead, it is helpful to regularly talk as a family about current events. Start by asking open-ended questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no,“ such as “How does what you heard at school about ICE make you feel?” Inviting children to use their own words shows them that their caregivers are paying attention to their feelings.
Sometimes talking about feelings and emotions can be difficult for caregivers. They may worry that they don’t have answers and that their uncertainty might upset their child. However, experts say that it is OK and even reassuring for children when caregivers admit they don’t have all the answers. Being present with children in a loving, honest, and calm way will help them feel less anxious about uncertainty.
Writing or other types of creative expression can be helpful for youth who can’t verbally describe what they are feeling. Nick Whiston, Program Director of the Telling Room in Portland, suggested trying to set aside time to write together as a family. Starting with a question, such as “How does the news about ICE make you feel?” and taking 10-15 minutes to write down all thoughts, can be a way for a family or community members to “pause, reflect, and process what is on their mind.” Sharing what one another has written helps build closeness and a sense of being heard.
Telling stories or reading books about immigration together is another strategy to help reassure and provide children with helpful information. Reading books to children or helping them find books about ICE, deportation, or family separation helps them learn about children in similar situations. That way, they might feel less alone. I’m Your Neighbor Books offers a free database that allows parents and youth to search through more than 1,600 titles depicting characters who have migrated or been displaced.
For example, within the theme of “Detention and Deportation,” the site lists 68 books, some for specific communities, and for a range of reader ages from toddler to young adult. Reading aloud to younger children or reading the same book as your school-age child and then asking open-ended questions about the book are ways to start difficult conversations.
Prioritizing time spent together in family or community, “visiting friends and neighbors, praying together, and trying as much as possible not to be alone or isolated” were all suggestions offered by the parents interviewed. Staying connected helps remind worried children that they are part of a supportive community.
Family meals, playing games, and doing art or other projects together also are ways to connect with children who may feel isolated, alone, or afraid. Sometimes just verbally reminding an upset child that you are physically there with them, and that they are safe right now, right in that moment together, is the most powerful way for caregivers to support the children they love.
Lucia, another immigrant mother, had some advice: “Stay close to your children. Don’t let your children grow up in fear alone.”
